Shred my ass. No, please, do
Just bought my first ever exercise video, Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Did I get Shredded? Broken into pieces, more like! (Actually, it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be. She’s not annoying, anyway.)
True, I laughed, I cried, I was a little bit sick. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried it just after my dinner. Why on earth would I cry? Involuntary response, I think, a release of hormones and my body’s last attempt to fight back with psychological warfare. But my body lost, and despite the sheer exhaustion (I’ve never sweat from my eyes before) I actually feel better already. They are very intense workouts; relatively quick, too, like ripping off a plaster.
Jillian Michaels is a great motivator, like Linda Hamilton would be if she made a workout video at the start of Terminator 2, getting all the inmates up and at ‘em in the asylum. She kept telling me not to “phone it in” and was very encouraging, saying “only one more left now!” But she lied. SHE LIED!
By the end, I was feeling just like one of Linda Hamilton’s inmates. I was hoping the Terminator would come in and put me out of my misery.
After being a size 6 most my adult life, I never had to worry about workouts. I walked most places and danced a lot, like a crazy little fairy. At school, it was easy; walking a mile a day, badminton, hockey, and I was a fussy little beggar when it came to food. Now? Not so much.
After moving in with my husband, we made the classic mistake; I used to eat little and often, he would eat like a boa constrictor; one massive meal would last him a week. We ended up eating huge portions quite often – not a bad compromise, or so we thought.
Then I got pregnant, I found myself hauling the equivalent of a bag of potatoes around, which made my stomach look like a balloon that had been blown up and left to fly round the room. I was lucky not to “shred” my stomach muscles apart, like some mums.
My first pregnancy gave me wicked heartburn. Old wives would say “you’re having a hairy baby!” Those old wives would be proved right. She was a monkey.)
The heartburn while preggars was intense. I couldn’t stand Gaviscon so I self-medicated with icecream. I don’t even like icecream, dammit! I put on four stone and only lost two stone after the birth. I can’t blame the icecream completely; I was pretty ravenous for nine months, which makes me think there is more to this hormones lark, as I wasn’t hungry at all when I was having my boy. Which takes me back to The Hormone Diet…